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Dig my grave

  • May. 10th, 2014 at 9:26 PM

Dig my grave
with a silver spade.
Dig my grave wide and deep.
Dig my grave
with a silver spade
Bury me beneath the willow tree
Place my grave on a snow white hill
Tell my wife marry again

The Flu from HELL

  • Mar. 6th, 2013 at 6:13 PM

Yes, I caught it, the virus going around, and I caught the very worst of it. I had the swine flu a few years ago, that was nothing compared to this. This is a persistant state of a flu that won't go away, the symptoms are intense; even taking high doses of the best of the flu medications has made me feel more doped than 'better'. This is the worst physical illness I have ever felt.

Mental Breakdown

  • Feb. 16th, 2013 at 9:27 PM

I feel that I am on the verge of a breakdown. I'm having numerous concerns about aspects of my life, and I don't know how to deal with them. I am afraid... I want to run... get drunk or something (though it's too late to get drunk, at 9:15pm here).

Today I went to church. I was crying the entire time through Mass. Crying about the hopeless state of my life and how things don't seem to be getting any better, despite my prayers to God. I feel like he has abandoned me.

I don't enjoy the things I do anymore. I just live. And even 'living' is taking a hit, as my job is being a full time student at CU Denver, but I keep being either too lazy or just stumped about how to even start my assignements and studying for the 3 tests next week. Hopefully.. Sunday I will at least complete multimedia comp coursework and the studying for the bio basis test on Monday.

Like I said, right now I'm in this weird state... where I feel like I need to do something... but I don't know what it is. The only answer I have is to wait; a time-tested method when things are going badly.

The nights are hard on me. In the morning, I feel renewed somewhat, and I have hope for the day, hope that I will be productive, and that today I made find some hint of joy or pleasure. It still seems to elude me, regardless, but that hope keeps me going in the morning and afternoon; but when evening hits, I fill like a lump of shit... worthless.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I've been thinking about committing suicide lately. It's gone from an idea to something I imagine myself doing. But I'll still never do it. If what the atheists say was true, and they had factual data to confirm it; that nothing happens after you're dead, or your body feeds a tree and you become the tree, or whatever... I'd be more inclined to do it. I fear hell though. And I believe it exists.

There is no pleasure, no joy, and no peace in my life, and as a result, there is no hope, and no passion. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Hopefully my new psychologist can help me with that.

Sleep is sometimes a great refuge. I say sometimes because I do get the insomnia, and insomniphobia, which just brings tension around the time that I sleep. Like right now, it's 9:25. I pretty much consider this day over, I want it to be over, so I can find my sleep refuge and start another day. But it's too early, 1 hour more and I will go to bed.

I am so incredibly lost in life right now. The only thing I am really trying to get myself to do is to do well in my college classes; I don't want my mood to affect that.

Distressing events; D-Year; Alchohol and me

  • Feb. 14th, 2013 at 10:42 PM

Numerous things have occured since I last posted.

I will first briefly speak about the 'distressing event'. I had been tapering down on suboxone, a maintenance medication to avoid opiate withdrawls, and it was finally time, and my doctor allowed for no wiggle room. I tried coming off suboxone on my own (suboxone btw has been often said is even a worse withdrawl than heroin), but I failed. It was so painful, and it wasn't just the physical issues (which felt like the bad swine flu I had a year ago), actually that was the minor part; the psychological parts of the withdrawl were worse than anything... ever. The level of anxiety, discomfort, and depression was so extreme, I just could not handle it. So I negotiated a deal to come off Xanax instead, first (which I may later regret), to buy me some time. For the last few weeks I have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions, all in the negative spectrum (varying from mundane 'feeling ok' to extreme devestation).

But that's not what I'm here to talk about today. Alchohol. That's what I want to talk about. It's come back into my life. Granted I am very cautious and wary about the use of alchohol, especially on the number of meds I am on, but at this point I am desperate to feel anything GOOD, anything positive.

Yesturday I had a few beers, got buzzed, it felt good, it was a great relief from the ever-present anxiety I have. But today, I decided to try out my old 'my friday routine', I say my friday because it is actually thursday, but this is the last day of college classes for the week. Yeah, I'm in college, going to the University of Colorado, Denver, full-time, 4 classes, it is very stressful, yet also a good thing.

My 'friday routine' I speak of, is something I used to when I worked, on the last work day of the week, on my way home from work I would buy a bottle of liquor and a papa murphey's pizza. For a long time, it was the perfect way to end the week. Until, during periods of depression, I became suicidal while drunk. Fast forward past my two stays in a psych ward and vicodin addiction, I developed a healthy phobia of alchohol, the way it feels, to be specific. But I seem to have overcome that fear.... or so I think, I'm pretty sure after tonight I will only limit myself to getting a buzz, and only at most 2 times a week.

Hold for a moment. Let me get my bearings. I'm still fairly drunk now, though I am sobering up. The anxiety is coming back and I feel depression in full force.

Last night, I was depressed too, very depressed.... I even prayed to God as I laid in my bed that he would take my life, that I would die, I begged him to kill me.

Back to now, the intentions I had for tonight were all good, I wanted to experience the fun I used to have when I did this years ago. All it was, was a relief from anxiety; the ability to 'not care', which was a relief. But I kept drinking, and I went from buzzed to drunk. The feelings while drunk weren't so good, it was a depressed feeling. One where I wanted to be sober right now but of course I have to wait it out. I don't like the inability to control feelings of drunkeness.

Sure enough.... suicidal thoughts appeared. Nothing I would actually do, but the thought of it wasn't 'comforting' like it usually is. This time it was horrifying. I got into one of those states where I said to myself "I'm never gonna drink this heavily again!" which I intend to follow through with (except in social gathering and such, where I'm safe).

Let me take a look at my present symptoms, I'll do an inventory of how I feel right here, right now, as I am sobering up from being drunk, but still fairly drunk, here at 10:35pm on a Thursday night (this should be my bed-time, normally)

mild dizziness
mild headache
joint pain re-appearing
eyes are dry and itchy
Itchy feelings at random
Constant need to pee
Stomach ache

I want this to stop, I want the alchohol in my system OUT. Mostly because I know I can't go to bed while still fairly drunk, because of that thing where you get really dizzy when you close your eyes, this is causing me anxiety... about sleep, and my inability to control my sobriety.
I feel awful. It's like.. I was having a good dream, while starting to get drunk, things were comfortable. Now I'm waking up, and I've got the hangover. My hangovers don't happen the next day, they happen immediately after eating something that creates a base (or whatever you call it) that absorbs the alchohol.
Closing my eyes now, I know I couldn't sleep if I tried, it's a distressing feeling. But at least I know this will pass, and I (hopefully) will have learned my lesson.

Really I am just feeling worse and worse, I mind as well try to go to sleep now, or else I will just be torturing myself now. Bye for now...

Oh Lord, where to start, well first lets clear up the 'natural disaster' I have experiencing, literally. It'd the Waldo Canyon Fire out here in NW Colorado Springs, I was evacuated from my apartment on Tuesday, and was only able to come home tonight.

But let me start at the beginning, the home buying. About a month ago, I made the decision that I should buy a house, because I am just burning money every month in rent that continues to go up, and I still have a VA home loan that I can use, so, why wait for marriage? I am probably never going to find a steady girlfriend let alone a marital partner, so there's no point in waiting. So I started searching for a home, took on an a friend of my friends' as my realtor, and began my search at a rather lax pace, seeing 2-3 houses a day. Ironically, the very first house I went to see with my realtor was the very best house I have seen, unfortunately it quickly got swooped up by another buyer. This was a wake up call in realizing that if I really like a house, I better put an offer on it ASAP or I'll lose it. So, I ramped up my search, even managing to see 13 houses in one day with my realtor. Finally found a house that is very nice, so I put an offer on it, a full price offer but with tradeoffs like the seller paying closing costs, me getting all the kitchen appliances, the seller having to replace the old 1983 water heater, and so on. It was a good deal. Then a giant wrench was thrown into the mix, but, chronologically, this doesn't happen till later.

As I focus my week on seeing the last few remaining houses that I might be interested in to compare to the house I have a contract on, something.... happens. A fire, a big one. I didn't even know about the fire until the big day when I cam down the mountains from the west and was only 5 miles away from my apartment. That day I had scheduled time to go see my sister in Fountain, and I set up a viewing of the house I am contracted with so I can get her opinion as she is a homeowner. The seeds of 'bad' begin to sprout. The viewing of the house with my sister ended up being very socially uncomfortable, especially because my sister kept barking orders at me that are common sense etiquette that are very minor in nature, like closing the sliding door in the back of the house while looking at the back yard, she orders me to go shut the door, numerous other awkward social situations pop up at the viewing, and in addition to that, that house, that I have a contract on, seemed to be poorer quality than I had remembered it to be. On the way home from the house, we listen to the radio, news of the fire becomes more dire, talk of evacuations along with the names of streets nearby my apartment start to make me concerned.

And so, in a bit of a nervous state, as soon as we get back to her place I say goodbye and start driving to my apartment. It looks worse and worse the further north I go, the smell of smoke, the dense fog (smoke) limiting visibility, ashes laying everywhere, it was like armageddon. I start getting more anxious, which built itself to a full panic attack on my way there, as I realized that if I am unable to gain access to my apartment, I will not be able to take my medications with me, ad so I would start withdrawling, and feelings those god-awful withdrawls from Xanax, Effexor, and Suboxone. Luckily, I was able to find my way home, frantically I started putting stuff into a bag, as I knew how bad it was out there and for me, I just couldn't imagine being able to sleep while a fire threatens to burn down the apartment.

(to be cont') (it is 1:00 am, I am sooo tired)

Living to die, or dying to live?

  • Apr. 10th, 2012 at 10:49 PM

A face amongst a crowd
Holding back what I to say
When I want to scream so loud
I just want to enjoy the day
But instead I fall into sorrow
What do I dare say?
Because it is confidence I cannot borrow
The fear of their opinions of me
Ever resounding in my ear
It cuts my heart so deep with fear
While I sit alone, I cry a single tear
Paralyzed, I dare not move
Mute, I dare not speak
Deaf, I dare not hear
Blind, I dare not see
When I take no chances
All that's left is glances
So within my home I stay
An exile from society, tomorrow and today
As an alternative to never-ending awkwardness
Surely there must be a person who would bid my blood to run
Who would bring me back to life, so that I can once again see the sun
A failure am I, but of course, I'm not the only one
Yet still, my heart has been broken, and it bleeds
The drops of invisible blood bear me no sympathy
"I'm Fine" do I say when asked how I am doing
But I am truly dying inside as I seek any sign of empathy
In this world of mistrust
How do I forge a friendship let alone a lover's trust
Still, I wait, pray, and wait some more
There must be something I can do so that my life is not a bore
Because time wastes away as I do
And as I do, hostile faces turn my way
And bid me to turn around and run away
Surely, they need someone to blame
Though this life is nothing but a game
A minute time compared to eternity
So I bid my Lord Jesus a deep bow
To see, for once, an un-furrowed brow
Yet I still waste away
Hours are seconds, days are months
But each day presents it's own suffering
To what end is this suffering endured
What prize awaits me in the hereafter
When will I find joy and peace, lasting
So far, it has been like a period of fasting
My heart and soul starving for something, someone
To give my life meaning, to find the one who is "the one"
But my skills fail me, as I find that all things end in strife
'What would you have me do?" I ask God... the silence cuts me like a knife
Shadows of whispers are my answers
My life is full of busy-ness, a constant toil to brighten my life
But instead, the lights shining around me dim the stars in the sky
And so the tiny bits of light and hope, turn their backs and fly
Is it wrong of me to seek a wife? A friend?
Who knows when my exile is to end
So now I hit the button 'send'
Sending my feelings into the abyss
So I ask those of you able to help a stranger on the mend
To hear my message, and to bid this sorrow an end

A Psychological Memo

  • Mar. 14th, 2012 at 5:35 PM

In my contemplation, I've found what seems to be the struggle of generations, "conflict" it may be know as, conflict within and conflict without. The conflict I speak of is mental, and it manifests in two ways: The "blame others" mentality has a long history of use, involving the blaming of either another individual person or a group (like a government) to bear the blame for suffering; this has been a popular and highly common (roughly 90% rates) method of preventing physical pains and sufferings to become mental sufferings as well. However, in our recent day and age where knowledge is so readily available and the act of introspection is encouraged and admired, there has been an influx of the "blame yourself" mentality, also known as 'interalizing', it posseses many advantages, but at a great cost. Blaming yourself for your sufferings is truthful in most cases, and it puts to full use that 'suffering' as a tool to improve the self, to learn from one's mistakes. The cost is indeed great though, and self-blaming can, in some people, become twisted into the extreme, blaming yourself for every suffering you face under the sun, including the sufferings of others often when it is not your fault. The cost of interlazition is mental anguish, usually when self-blaming is used in moderation, the mental anguish appears as humility, a noble virtue, but in the twisted extremist version of self-blaming, that some are more prone to (which is ironically not their own fault), the mental anguish becomes self-hatred, and self-hatred can manifest many a terrible occurance. Suicide is commonly perceived as the worst of these occurances, but the fact is that self-hatred can manifest in ways more terrible than killing oneself. Take the shootings at Columbine High School, for example, these individuals were afflicted with depression, which is a good indication that they were prone to self-blaming and self-hatred. The greatly unfortunate variable in their particular environment was the bullying that persisted towards them within the school; bullying can indeed be deadly if the person is a self-blamer and the bullying is frequent. What occurs within the mind is an agreement with the bullies, that whatever they have said about you is true, all of the bad things, that you're a loser, a wimp, a failure, and (most dangerously) a waste of life. These promote those feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred in the individual, and it will commonly be seen by others as 'depression' and 'social anxiety', those two are in fact not causes of behavior at all, but rather they are the products of self-hatred. The next phase of occurances within these individuals is self-punishment, which can be done both conciously and unconciously, the concious version in self-punishment shows it self in the cuts and scars of self-injurers or the hunger pains in those with anorexia, while the unconcious version will typically involve a depleted self-esteem level to the point of apathy and carelessness shown towards one's health, for example, drinking profusely, overeating, and the like. Returning to the Columbine killers, here we see an phenomenon within self-blamers and self-haters where there exists a grey area in between the two conflict types, but with extremism existing in both as well; the evidence in this incident is all there, the two shooters did somewhat blame others, for their bullying (as noted in their journals), which manifested into the extremism 'others-hate' that led them to shoot 12 students and 1 teacher, and then finally the extremism of self-hate needed to be fulfilled and so suicide was completed. Some may think that the suicide of these two was done to avoid a lifetime in jail, but after extensive review of their journals and testimonies by family and friends, there was little regard for life in these two, life in others and themselves, and that depression was prevelant in both of them, not to mention a certain apathetic view towards the concequences of their actions, namely, they didn't care about spending their lives in prison as their lives had already reached the peaks of misery that could not be topped in their lives. Rather, their suicides were to end what they deemed their 'worthless and afflicted' existence', or rather 'ridding the world of their horrid influences'.


It's not going so well, and it's mostly my fault. I have always been a shy guy, I don't go to bars or clubs, and haven't been to any speed dating thing or anything like that. So, I've been immersed in the world of online dating for quite some time now, starting from the days of yahoo personals, till the days of now, on match.com personals. Now, back when I was in my early 20's, in the military, using yahoo personals, I went out on a number of successful dates, meaning, dates where the girl would actually want to keep talking to me after the first date. Unfortunately, I was too shy back then to actually make a move on the girls I was dating, and so all these relationships would dissolve into "just friends".

Fast forward to now, still doing the online dating thing with match, I go out on quite a few dates, but these days, girls ignore me after the first date (which, by the way, is totally rude and cowardly, if you're not interested in me, have the respect to text me about it or something!) This 'ignoring after the first date' has been going on for a while, I believe, the last four dates I went on from match, this has happened. I do realize that the online dating world is not the best place to meet girls, but often times seems like the only option. I did try going for the in-person thing where I asked a girl out... it was in a class at my college where I was getting what I thought were 'signals' from this girl, who I was attracted to. So, and I know this is cheesy, but it was a big step for me, at least, doing it outside of the online world... I dropped a note in the girl's purse during class. I see her reading it on the way out, and I get really embarassed and flustered and head out the door (lol). I come back to that class during the next session, and after the class, she comes to me and in an awkward moment she tells me that she's already seeing someone "but thanks anyway." That whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth in regards to picking up girls in-person. Why? Because how are we as guys supposed to know whether the girl is single or not? If I ask a girl straight up if she is single, it's pretty much asking her straight up if she would go out with me, and that... well, it's what nightmeres are made of for us shy guys.

There was an honest moment I had with a girl on match, I told her about how my dates have been going on match so far, how the girls ignore me after the first date. I told her to giving me the cold, hard facts about it, and she had a theory. She said that it has to do with my photos there, you see, the photos of me are taken over a long span of time, from age 20 to age 30, so there's a lot of different me's in there. She said that for one, it looks like I "fluffed up", meaning, I got a bit fat, which is a bit true, I'm probably about 30 lbs heavier now than in some of those earlier pics, but most people tell me I look good with the extra weight, cause it doesn't make me look fat, it just makes me look buff. Nevertheless, regarding that, I didn't know that that was an issue, but it would make sense as when I dated on yahoo personals in the military I was a lot skinnier and had a lot more successful dates, kind of seeing a pattern. So, with that, since it may be an issue, I can easily lose the weight, I have one thing going for me there, I hate to eat. So I'll do a long juice fast (once I get the money to buy a good juicer), and I should be able to lose weight, be healthier, and it'd probably be nice cause I can just drink my meals and not have to cook them and chew it and blah blah... ya, it's weird, but I hate to eat, I just eat to stop hunger pains.

Okay the second thing she said could be causing girls to be driven off by me is apparently... I have a rather... feminine look? And a feminine way of chatting online as I use many smily faces. The feminine look thing, she said, started in this picture I have of me with my nephew who was an infant at the time, maybe it was because I had the baby, I dunno, that part of her review confuses me a bit. But I do know my letter writings can be a tad effeminite with all the smilies and lol's and what not. She said I lost some of my innate 'masculinity' when comparing my older photos with my newer ones, hmm, maybe it's my smile? I dunno.

Anyway, I am truly starting to lose all hope in ever finding a good girlfriend. I can only be shot down so many times... After all those dates where the girls ignored me, I lost a lot of the confidence I had, and lowered my standards big time. I really don't want to be alone, and I'm confused as to why it is it's so much easier for some guys to find a girl, like right after high school, and then BOOM they're married, but it's so hard for me. Must be the shy thing... I'm working on that, I am much less shy than I was back in the military, but I had better dates back in the military so.. again, it's confusing. Another thing I'm confused about is how these women who would do anything to find a good man, or are in relationship's with major jerks that treat them bad, yet don't ever leave them... am I worse than these major jerks? Am I not a good man?

I'll tell you, I am a nice guy, but you know what they say about nice guys. I'm really close with my family, they mean so much to me, especially my mother. I'm Catholic and am a God fearing man, I'm romantic in an old-fashioned way, when I did have a girlfriend back in the day, I loved to spoil her with surprise gifts and everything. I'm extremely sensitive, to the point where if I care about a person enough, I become so in tune with them that when they feel bad, I feel bad, and when they feel good, I feel good. I remember this girl I was dated once back in the military, we went on one date, but we didn't talk much after that. I got back in tough with her and she said that she thought I wasn't interested, and I told her that wasn't the case, that I was just busy. One day she calls me up and is hysterical and crying, she said she'd been cutting herself and that she wanted to commit suicide. I talked with her, then said I'm coming over. I got there and kind of talked her down. I know what it's like to lose all hope, I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life, I've attempted suicide, I've been in a psych ward (but most of that has passed now). So I understood her pain, and convinced her not to. Then the evening with her took a strange turn, we were lying in a couch, watching tv at her place, and her feet were like right in front of me, so I tickled them, but she wasn't ticklish, but I kept trying, and then I kind of massaged her feet (dunno why I started doing that lol). She started making sexual moans and then orgasmed, I kinda went with the flow, it turns out she has very sensitive feet and apparently foot rubs are very sexual for her. ANYway, I dunno why I wen't down that tangent!

The thing is, I don't know where to go from here. I feel like giving up, but a part of me doesn't want to give up. I see these couples everywhere, who are so connected, so in love, so in to each other, and I just want to be a part of that, to feel true love, for once in my life. I know that there isn't "one girl" out there for me, that's pipe dreams, there are many girls out there for me, and for everyone. It's just a matter of finding them and then saying the right them to get the conversation going. But how do I go about doing that? Maybe I'll try a speed dating thing. Or hey who knows maybe I'll meet the love of my life here on Livejournal, lol! I've heard stranger things though! Ya know, my Uncle recently got divorced with his wife of 20 years, then 6 months later, he met a woman on match, and BAM, he's married again. That's just amazing to me.

When I was a kid, I remember I was at my grandparent's house, my grandparents who had been married for 50 years. My little sister asked my grandma: "What is the secret of finding a good relationship", and my grandma replied: "Be friends first". I've been living my life to that end since I started dating, I always try to be friends first, but sometimes, it backfires on me by making the relationship 'friends only'. But also, when I date, I ask myself if this girl would be good for me to marry, like right after the first date. Why? Because I don't look for flings, I look for soul mates, and if I know for a fact that she's not right for me in terms of marriage, then what's the point in continuing and falling in love and then experiencing heartbreak because of that item that is lacking, which was the reason she isn't right for marriage. I don't like hurting people, I hate it really.

I've only ever had one true relationship, that's right, only one. It was with a girl named Tina who I met on personals (naturally), and during our first date we both agreed that there was something special there, we were both attracted to eachother and thought the same way, and it was great! From then on we went out a lot, we were true boyfriend and girlfriend. But along the way, my lame ass mind jumps in and ruins it all. Picky-ness sets in. I discover that the feeling during that first date, was just an 'in the moment' thing, and, while I liked her as a friend, I felt no love for her. The picky-ness part of it was about her legs and how she had some stubble on them, it's a major turn off for me as I think a woman's legs are the sexiest part of her body. And even though I told myself that I'm being shallow and I should stop it, it still kind bothered me in the back of my mind, but that was all a moot point... cause I didn't really love her, I just liked her. Regardless, I wanted to stick it out and see if feelings would grow, so I didn't tell her any of this. Time passed with us doing a little of this and that (but no sex, as I intend celibacy till marriage, it's a Catholic thing.... ok that's not it, no sex because I'm too shy and embarassed do it...), and I made a journal kind of like this one I'm writing. A journal detailing my concerns about my relationship with her, that I didn't really love her. She found it, somehow, and it just broke her heart. I felt so bad for her when she called me on the phone crying, I just felt, soo bad. I went over to her house and consoled her, but she was pretty angry with me, angry that I didn't tell her this sooner. I told her that I really didn't know what love should feel like, so I could have been in love and didn't know it, and that I wanted to stay together so I could figure this out and maybe love would develop as we got closer. It didn't help, me saying that. But after all of that, and years later, we are still really good friends.

So, that's a lot of writing I just did! I had to get everything out there, and I am kind of interested to see if any of you all here have some opinions, I do invite criticism, just not harsh criticism, say it with a smily face! lol. The main point I wanted to get accross is that, I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong in this dating world, but I know I'm doing something terribly wrong. I'm losing hope fast, honestly. I'm 30 now, which sucks, everybody I know is married, and now I'm a guy who is the one asking 'what is wrong with me? why am i still single?', ya, it's pretty bad if you're a guy and you ask that, though I'm a girly-man I guess so it makes sense lol. I want to know how and where to find a truly fun, exciting, love-filled relationship... before I turn 40 and can't date a girl in her 20's without her saying 'you're old enough to be my dad, you creep!', being left with the middle aged women and their baggage. I don't want that to happen! I want to grow old with someone, not grow old THEN meet someone!

Signing off,
Mattie McMatt

Poem in the midst of depression

  • Jul. 8th, 2011 at 1:05 AM

My God, let death come to me in the night
Let the wounds of my spirit raise unto my flesh
For the darkness closes in on the void in my mind
All have foresaken me
I am alone, eternally
A wretched, broken corpse walking amongst the mist
No light reaches me in this place of hollow death
Let my spirit shatter in a flash of withering light
And no longer drift in this ruin of pain

A humbling experience

  • Mar. 12th, 2011 at 4:42 AM

Yeah, it's been a while since I wrote here. Mainly because I've hiding behind the 'busy-ness of today' and the short-term highs. But today I finally had time to contemplate my life as it is and it was a wake up call.

Late last year I dove head first into university life, full-time classes all set up, with expectations that I'll get A's or at least B's, get honors, and, more importantly, find a good girlfriend. Well, after months of struggling (especially with chemistry) and thinking that I'm somehow 'more appealing' to women and therefore would 'obviously get some dates', reality burst in through the door. The homework was immense, too much to handle, I failed every quiz and exam in chemistry, missed classes due to fatigue even though I promised myself I wouldn't, and put out some poor work due to sheer laziness.

Had a few experiences with the ladies as well, with one whom I was attracted to the minute she came to class... well, she's very shy though, so on a peer review paper I up and decided to look her up on facebook and add her there. Obviously the wrong move, I told her the next day then a week later she denied me, and has been giving me the cold shoulder. The other experience was with a very attractive girl (more attractive on 'societies' standards, the type I usually don't date but I wanted to try it out.) Anyway... I should have known it from the start, she's already seeing someone. And I let her know I'm interested in only the most childish of ways, in a paper note which I threw in her purse when she wasn't looking. I even put things like 'you're so gorgeous, I've been thinking about you all through class' and even drew a picture of her. Man, how desperate am I?! She at least confronted me about it and gently told me she's taken. But these cheesy ways to find love have got to end, and I've got to step out of my comfort zone and start actually talking to women if I ever expect to find love.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The things I realized tonight... first, is that "I'm not well". It's a fact, I've been hiding from it, running from it, distracting myself from it, and everything else, but the fact remains that I'm still mentally ill. My nightmeres have been getting worse and worse, to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep. My dreams are a mix between me going through a dying process (NOT FUN), bitter treatment by my harsh alcoholic dad (who is now dead as of 2005), and the 'ever so pleasant' military dreams surrounding war, death, and survival... and not in the fun way. I need to fess up that I do need help still, I need to see a psychologists regularly again (I would do it with the VA but their psych appt's take about 4 months to get an appt, ya, I hope everyone is proud how vets are treated....) , so I'll be trying to see a psych bi-weekly now and pay out of my own pocket. I should also get back into Buddhism, a whole lot of wisdom there that can soothe mental illness... mediation, dharma talks, and the like. Also some support groups would be good, probably PTSD support groups since nightmeres are my main problem now, but only now and then, because those groups can become intense and pretty sad. I also need to get back in touch with my spirituality (no, Buddhism is not a religion to me, it is a philosophy), in Christianity, I need to pray, attend church now and then, read the Bible sometimes... maybe that will help. I think as far as meds go, Effexor is about as best as I could hope for (although I would love to try pristiq, I hear it's great, but it costs way too much and the VA doesn't cover it). The prazosin obviously doesn't work anymore for nightmeres... And I am growing concern over the fact that I am on 5mg xanax a day and 4mg suboxone a day, both meds that if I discontinue, I would face immensely horrific withdrawls, so, in a way, I feel as though I a slave to the medication, like an addict... not good. I just keep procrastinating tapering off of it cause I'm just so damn scared of those withdrawls, I've experienced them, and they're the type that'll make you wanna off yourself.

Now, the second realization is kinda aligned with the first: "These things that I'm facing now are bigger than I am"... pretty much covered by the solutions mentioned above, but also, I really need to spend more time with my loved ones, my sisters, who live an hour away both, and ya know, phone calls to my mom and such. It's a pity I don't have actual friends here yet, and after 4 years of being here, man... I do not make friends easy I'll tell ya that.

The last thing is just a healthy dose of humility, realizing that I can't overcome EVERY obstacle by myself, that I will make mistake, but they will make me a better person in the long run, that it's okay to ask for help, admit defeat, and even cry. There is hope for me, but I do feel distraught at the fact that I'm almost 30 now (this year) and I still am running from reality.

I think that all sums it up.

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May 2014



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